Where do I fit?

Where do I fit in? What is my purpose in life? Why did I go to Ivy League schools just to end up here? Why am I here? I still don’t have good answers for any of these questions. Many think I am lucky and even successful, but why don’t I agree?

I miss them both. Someone got away with murder; deep down I know the car should have hit me instead of my brother. I thought I had the whole summer to be with him.

My life seems senseless. I have never been able to count on anything. The moment I do, the rug is pulled from under me. It is not fun to live most of your life on the ground. This time, I don’t want to get up. What’s the point?

When did I stop caring or stop fighting? When did I stop believing in others? Why am I so angry at myself?

I have two wonderful boys who taught me the meaning of unconditional love, something I did not experience growing up. I wish I could return to those days of aiming for the stars and contorting myself to please others. I want my children to have the happiness I never had. If all my disappointments result in their happiness, then my life on the ground will be worth it, and I willingly accept a life without a future. I may even get up knowing I’ll be knocked down again.

My amateur poem “The Irony of Life” was written over 13 years ago when I was an optimist; now, I am a realist who no longer wants to fight. Am I fading away or just getting older and depressed at the thought of growing old alone?

I am losing my passion for life and the company of others. I truly don’t care what people think of me. Ironically, this is a liberating feeling, and I do love myself. I guess there is still hope for me.

Although I still don’t know where I fit, this has been a therapeutic blog.

Author: Angela Grant

I am a first generation Jamaican immigrant whose experiences and accomplishments were made possible by the courage, sacrifices and the heroic acts of many whose bodies have rotted away in unmarked graves. Those are my heroes. Their sacrifices and death paved the way for my children and I. Failure to Listen is a token of my eternal gratitude. Failure to Listen is a tribute those generations of unmarked graves occupied by people of all races whose ultimate sacrifice of life opened the door for me and others, THANK YOU. Failure to Listen https://failuretolisten.wordpress.com/ uses cultural lenses to appreciate and understand the relationships between current events and our values, beliefs and attitudes. Culture is everything without it we are nothing. Failure to Listen will take you on a journey to recognize the beauty of our differences as the seeds to creativity, innovation and resolving disparities. By sharing my personal and professional experiences, I hope to do justice to the perspectives of those who are rarely heard or listened to. This site is not to incite anger but rather to provoke thought. It is my hope that Failure to Listen will work to foster intergroup dialogues and motivate readers to step outside the box and get to know ALL PEOPLE. In the spirit of Martin Luther King, let's join hands and remember his famous speech about a dream... A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -Margaret Mead View all posts by Angela Grant

8 thoughts on “Where do I fit?”

Breathe.
Sense.
Respond.
Choose.

ChoosIng.

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Reblogged this on Failure to Listen and commented:

Here is one that is as fitting today as it was over a year ago when written…..

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Still trying to figure out my own place in regards to this post. Maybe the answers are there for us to discover. Maybe there are no answers, but it could be that that realization in itself is the answer.

Ultimately, it’s a day to day struggle. And ultimately, it could simply be time to shut off the questions and quit…just stop the questions and embrace the darkness hidden behind the answers.

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Angela Grant says:

October 30, 2013 at 1:08 am

Wow, Joe that is heavy-duty, never thought of embracing the hidden darkness…I rather like that…

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Pouring my life into providing opportunities for my children gives the greatest joy and sense of purpose. I am a proud father and I thank God for the privilege. He granted me one life with no handicap and the power to create and participate in so many. I lost my Mom last year due to medical error but I am so thankful for the years I’ve had with her. I have my own little world of friends and family and accept the highs and lows as life experiences. But most of all I am thankful to be able to give and be loved.

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Angela Grant says:

August 28, 2013 at 4:41 pm

Lloyd, you are blessed to have so much and to know enough to appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing..
-Angela

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