Where do I fit?

Where do I fit?

Where do I fit? What is my purpose in life? Why did I go to Ivy League schools to end up here? Why am I here? I still don’t have good answers for any of these questions. Many think I am lucky and even thriving, but why don’t I agree?

I miss them both. Someone got away with murder; deep down I know the car should have hit me instead of my brother. I thought I had the whole summer to be with him.

My life seems senseless. I have never been able to count on anything. The moment I do, the rug is pulled from under me. It is not fun to live most of your life on the ground. This time, I don’t want to get up. What’s the point?

When did I stop caring or stop fighting?  When did I stop believing in others?  Why am I so angry at myself?

I have two beautiful boys who taught me the meaning of unconditional love, something I did not experience growing up. I wish I could return to those days of aiming for the stars and contorting myself to please others. I want my children to have the happiness I never had. If all my disappointments result in their wellbeing, then my life on the ground will be worth it, and I will accept a life without a future. I may even get up knowing I’ll be knocked down again.

My amateur poem “The Irony of Life” was written over 13 years ago when I was an optimist; now, I am a realist who no longer wants to fight. Am I fading away or just getting older and depressed at the thought of growing old alone?

I am losing my passion for life and the company of others. I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. Ironically, this is a liberating feeling, and I do love myself. I guess there is still hope for me.

Although I still don’t know where I fit, this was a therapeutic post.


Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

9 thoughts on “Where do I fit?

  1. Pouring my life into providing opportunities for my children gives the greatest joy and sense of purpose. I am a proud father and I thank God for the privilege. He granted me one life with no handicap and the power to create and participate in so many. I lost my Mom last year due to medical error but I am so thankful for the years I’ve had with her. I have my own little world of friends and family and accept the highs and lows as life experiences. But most of all I am thankful to be able to give and be loved.

  2. Still trying to figure out my own place in regards to this post. Maybe the answers are there for us to discover. Maybe there are no answers, but it could be that that realization in itself is the answer.

    Ultimately, it’s a day to day struggle. And ultimately, it could simply be time to shut off the questions and quit…just stop the questions and embrace the darkness hidden behind the answers.

  3. I wanted to check out your older posts and this hit me in the heart. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through then. Just so you know, I certainly sympathize. I thought things would be better after I graduated college and got educated, but I still couldn’t fit in or find the most ideal careers. I know the feeling of being too beaten to fight back, but it’s slowly changing even if one reason involved getting rightfully angry reading one of King Leopold’s letters to get me more motivated to stand up for myself even more. Angela, you helped me become more outspoken on my blogs and in real life.

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