Maddie Yates took her life in last month April 2014. One of her best friends, Brianna Berrier, had taken her life one year earlier. Mattie and others planned a fundraising walk to increase awareness of suicide prevention. Below is a transcript of her final Youtube tape titled “Important.”
I know it’s not OK for me to be doing this, but I just can’t do this anymore. It feels like I’m being swallowed whole into myself. It physically hurts. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I throw up, and sometimes I just get panic attacks. I know this is selfish. You know, the doctor prescribed Prozac for depression and anxiety, but those are just fancy words for “selfish.” I know that I’m going to hurt everyone who loves me, and I really do love them too. But I’ve been like this for so long, and there’s still a chance that the worst day might still be coming. And I just don’t see how this is a bad idea because it’s like someone’s on the 12th floor, and the room behind them is on fire. And they’re standing on the window ledge and they have a choice whether or not to jump and get away from the fire or just stay and die a slow, excruciating death. It feels like that.
But I don’t want anyone to feel like it was their fault. This was my decision, not yours. I’m the one who messed up, not you. There’s nothing, literally nothing that you could have done; you’ve all tried so hard to help me. And I tried too. I guess it’s like I don’t mean to be over dramatic, but it’s like there’s a demon inside of me [inaudible].
You can’t help me. You’ve tried. And I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. Remember that I’m doing you a favor. Remember how bad of a person I really am. I say awful things. Even if I don’t mean them, I say them. You don’t even want to know the things that I think; I am not a good person. I’m doing literally the whole world a favor. But I love you, and I’m sorry. And I really, really love you.
This video shows an intelligent, wise young lady with so much to offer. helping others as much as herself by sharing her wisdom on self-acceptance and acceptance of others.
BackToSchoolSeries Episode 1 Acceptance
My condolences to her family. Being a survivor of two suicide losses I empathsize . My advice return to a routine as soon as possible and do not feel the need to hide emotions. Remember and talk about Maddie with others who loved her. It was the kindness and connection to others that really helped me.
Finally, depression is a lifelong struggle in a high-stressed society where personal achievement is the goal. Anyone who finds herself looking at the future as hopeless and filled with pain should seek help immediately. Talk with someone you trust and respect.
If someone confides feelings of hopelessness and pain, you should listen, stay with that friend and help convince the person to get help. Most people who commit suicide downplay their intentions. When such a person comes to you it will be to talk about pain…listen, support and help the person get help by giving them positive alternatives called HOPE to reduce the pain.