My Thoughts: Welcome To My World

The last few days I shared much about my boring yet chaotic and stressful life on this earth. I often wonder how I survived this long. Lord knows it’s not because I relish life.

When my father committed suicide, I was nine years old. I saw the pain on the faces of family members and swore then I would never inflict that kind of pain on others. I never blamed my father for his choice nor was I angry at him. I loved him. He was the best father. I only wished he hadn’t suffered in silence.

He had no history of mental illness or depression. As far as anyone knew he was a happy man with a generous heart. But happy people don’t kill themselves. He hung himself. I always wondered if he did it or did someone else do it?

Here I am at 58 years old, and I can see no happiness or inner peace in the future. No one is to blame. I am here because of my choices. I know myself, and I know I’ll never be happy in this world. What do I do?

5 thoughts on “My Thoughts: Welcome To My World

  1. You stay alive for your sons and grandson, Angela, that is what you do. Even if it’s a burden that is your duty as a mother. Why put them at risk of losing another parent to suicide or whatever? Are you prepared to chance damaging them any further? Also, you don’t know the future; none of us do. Your life might surprisingly take a good turn. It can happen. It does happen. Until your last natural breath stay alive. Breath life’s air. Stay alive.

    1. For me life is overrated, particularly, in this world. I know the future because I know me.

      Pete, for you anything can happen. The world is yours. There is that cultural difference.

      I want to convince you that suicide is a blessing and a get out of life card. Though it can only be used once.

      1. Suicide is not a blessing when it leaves the person’s soul in the balance and loved one’s hurting as if they were the caused of it. Black people have been through pure hell and still is rising. You have to seek your own divinity on what your purpose in life is.

        1. We differ on the point of suicide being a blessing in disguise. I believe I fulfilled my purpose. Perhaps that’s why I have this ache to at last find everlasting inner peace.

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