When you fear living more than death, what do you do?

You can’t just off yourself when you’re my age there are too many considerations if you have children. I feel trapped. A relative described it as drowning in the middle of the ocean with water rapidly entering your lungs and not being able to breathe.

I feel exactly that way. In the current condition, my house is the cause of these feelings. I want to move and have sought to for the last seven years, but something always seems to keep me tied to the house. In 2012, it was the infamous syncopal episode that landed me at Tufts Medical Center where I was miss diagnosed and abused by medical staff. That, in turn, led to a domino effect and here I am still in the house with most things packed or destroyed and scattered around my house.

My house is in such a state I can’t sell until it’s repaired. The problem is how State Farm split the claims. State Farm’s response to my concerns was to terminate my policy effective November. This retaliation came after I alerted them of consequential damages caused by a leak due to damages from last year’s (2017) leaks. Now what?

Do you now understand why I fear living more than death? What other disaster awaits me? I can’t continue to live a life of putting out fires. I never wanted to be a firefighter. And I definitely cannot continue to live in an area that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t even feel like leaving my house because I don’t want to see anyone. Is that quality of life? No, that’s when the fear of living is greater than the fear of death.

Once upon a time, I was a fighter
Standing alone created a divider
Since I was an outsider

I fought gallantly through the pain
But made no gain
And perseverance became harder to maintain

Forced to pause out of fear
An unwelcome future appeared
Life seemed insincere and death clear

Isn’t death inevitable
Why is it disreputable
When it becomes preferable

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