My Thoughts: To Fear Life More Than Death

When you fear living more than death, what do you do?

You can’t just off yourself when you’re my age there are too many considerations if you have children. I feel trapped. A relative described it as drowning in the middle of the ocean with water rapidly entering your lungs and not being able to breathe.

I feel exactly that way. In the current condition, my house is the cause of these feelings. I want to move and have sought to for the last seven years, but something always seems to keep me tied to the house. In 2012, it was the infamous syncopal episode that landed me at Tufts Medical Center where I was miss diagnosed and abused by medical staff. That, in turn, led to a domino effect and here I am still in the house with most things packed or destroyed and scattered around my house.

My house is in such a state I can’t sell until it’s repaired. The problem is how State Farm split the claims. State Farm’s response to my concerns was to terminate my policy effective November. This retaliation came after I alerted them of consequential damages caused by a leak due to damages from last year’s (2017) leaks. Now what?

Do you now understand why I fear living more than death? What other disaster awaits me? I can’t continue to live a life of putting out fires. I never wanted to be a firefighter. And I definitely cannot continue to live in an area that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t even feel like leaving my house because I don’t want to see anyone. Is that quality of life? No, that’s when the fear of living is greater than the fear of death.

Once upon a time, I was a fighter
Standing alone created a divider
Since I was an outsider

I fought gallantly through the pain
But made no gain
And perseverance became harder to maintain

Forced to pause out of fear
An unwelcome future appeared
Life seemed insincere and death clear

Isn’t death inevitable
Why is it disreputable
When it becomes preferable

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Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

10 thoughts on “My Thoughts: To Fear Life More Than Death

  1. Hi Angela, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling now. Sometimes life becomes somewhat overwhelming! If you need someone to talk to, someone to just listen call me anytime!

  2. Suicide is a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem! I mean not to be dismissive of your clear run of tragedy and adversity, Angela, more by using that quote as a mantra it also helps one to consider good things will eventually happen for you.

    As you know I no longer am religious, long past that, but for you I tried praying and we shall see.

    Stay strong.

    1. Hi Pete, if you’re gonna pray, pray my afterlife will be happier. 🙂

      Some problems are permanent and get worse with time

      It’s funny once you step outside the box how different everything appears.

      Isn’t Easter is a celebration of Jesus’s suicide?
      Jesus performed terrific miracles yet could not turn hearts to save his life? What about his dad, God? God watched him do it. You may say it wasn’t at his hands. But wasn’t it the same as a black person wanting to die calling the cops then when they arrive stepping outside with a phone in hand knowing it will be mistaken for a weapon? The police will undoubtedly shoot to kill the black man without questions. There is a legal term that is used for that; I know since the cops mistakenly thought my late husband might have been getting ready to do the same.

      1. Hence my no longer literally following the Bible.

        For what it’s worth, I do not think Jesus was the immortal Son of God, just a thoroughly good and decent mortal. He might have also been a fantasist suffering from maybe paranoid schizophrenia, though I prefer to think the former. Therefore he died like we all will do.

        As for a god, God, there must be something, an atom maybe that started it all. We’ll most likely never know.

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