My Thoughts: To Heat Or Not To Heat

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice… that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person. – Arthur Schopenhauer

In the end, we die alone.

No one wants to listen to the last words of a dying black woman, dying a slow torturous death.

In many ways, I wish I was never born then I would never reach the point of understanding my life was a waste and suffer so in the end.

It sounds like self-pity and probably is on some level. On a conscious level, I’m cold. My fingers are numb, and my thinking is not clear. Not sure if being cold does that. When I warm up, I’ll look it up.

I have oil for warm showers which are vital to me. But I don’t want to turn the furnace on knowing the dampers have been shot, and several HVAC people have tampered with them. Not that I am suspicious of malicious intent, I don’t trust them to value my life and not put it at risk in the house after playing with dampers and the HVAC.

Why should I care if I’m dying? I just don’t want the house to blow up and damage neighboring property. If I’m going to die in this house, I would like it to be a peaceful death.  The basement with exposed electrical wires and water etc. is a fire triangle if heat and fuel were added but maybe not. I don’t think they reinstalled the smoke detectors or checked the carbon monoxide detector for that furnace.  I’ll have to check when it warms up later.

I really should let go.  What will be, will be!

Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men [and women]. – Herodotus

My thoughts, #Mythoughts,  is a where I work through life problems.


Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

4 thoughts on “My Thoughts: To Heat Or Not To Heat

  1. Angela,
    I’m hoping this is not about you personally. If the problem is with the heating system in your house, there must be something that can be done about that. It’s been said that suicide is not about taking life, but in getting rid of the pain. Your life is precious and every person you touch is blessed because of you.

    1. Xena, thank you. Yes, suicide is about getting rid of the pain. A pain that is deep, profound, pervasive and sucks the very life from your body. They are many who live but are dead inside. I don’t remember the term. It’s when a person psychologically commits suicide. Mostly, they give up on life by shutting down and isolating themselves. They stop taking meds and doing things that would prolong life. They are like empty shells walking the earth. They get no pleasure and have no desire to engage with other people but may continue to work out of necessity.

      It turned out my room was cold because the space heater stopped functioning. I bought it less than a month ago. Xena if there is something that can be done about my house I don’t have the brain cells to get it done. It’s pretty hopeless, and I am at peace with that.

      1. Please don’t give up hope. I always hesitate to give advice unless I’m able to give hand’s on support, but this time I’m pitching in some things. If you have a city hall, contact them and ask if there are any programs or grants available to help with your heating issue. Also, contact the company that provides the fuel for your heat, (gas, electric, etc) and tell them the issue you’re having. Don’t get disappointed if they say that you have to hire a private contractor. There are times when private contractors know about grants and programs.

        1. Xena, I feel like Humpty Dumpty broken into a billion pieces. No matter how hard I try or anyone else, I cannot be put back together again. And I am at peace with that.

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