My Thoughts: I Decided No Suicide

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by living, by losing. Anais Nin

I am not going to kill myself. Sorry to disappoint many. I had a plan and backup plans just in case. I wanted to do it responsibly and with love but decided not to because I love my children. I couldn’t bring myself to traumatize them irreparably.

During this time when I was at my lowest and needed support, I had few friends who cared or gave a shit. My family, as usual, wanted me to go to them, but no one came here to support me. I usually avoid them when I’m at my lowest as they drag me lower.

I’m surrounded by acquaintances.   I helped many people, and I hope someday those good deeds are carried forward to my children. In the future, I will hold dear those who have always been there for me and let loose those who pretend to be there.

Also, I discovered the reason for wanting to kill myself had to do with my underlying medical problems affecting the ability to handle stress and exacerbating chronic insomnia from which I suffer. Living in a toxic environment compounded my feelings of isolation, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Now that I decided to live, what’s next?

I have to deal with State Farm and Bergeron Construction. Out of the nowhere, Eric from State Farm called and wanted to see the house. This about six weeks after the leak in the basement. He comes tomorrow 10/25/18. I know he wants to make sure the house is not blown up before November 2.   After that date, State Farm could care less except they still should see the claims through to the end but in NH that may not be the case and their obligation ends then.

I also will need to deal with Bergeron Construction. They are nice people, and the subcontractors are good people. They helped replaced light bulbs and replaced batteries but the cost, their mistakes that I’m paying for and several unkept verbal agreements prevent me from recommending them or wanting them to continue working on the house. I need to find another construction company. I was told they are one of two companies that specialized in restoration construction in NH. They and I discovered a month ago that since the summer of 2017 a breaker was turned off.  The only reason my oven and cooktop were not working this entire time I lived in a home without the ability to cook a meal.  It wasn’t an electrical problem as they thought. They also don’t do central vac or HVAC or duct cleaning.  I not only feel overcharged and billed for their mistakes but my well-being was placed in harm’s way.

NH is set up like other States to protect businesses and not consumers. I can waste my time and file complaints, but it will do no good. I use to think at least it would help someone else, now I think they probably throw out the complaints.  They don’t care as they are not accountable to consumers only to providing protection or cover for businesses that harm consumers.

One advice I would give to anyone who has a large homeowner claim is to hire a public adjuster.  Had I done that in the beginning, I wouldn’t be at this point and the house would habitable instead I pay the mortgage to live in a room.  DO NOT SEEK HELP FROM “FRIENDS”!!! When things go wrong, those “friends” will not be there to help you. I quickly learned that after listening to advice to send stern warnings to State Farm.

I hate to sound bitter, yet I am. I hate to sound angry, yet I am. I hate to call out both companies and “friends,” yet I must.  I’m on my own, and you know what this too shall pass. I’m stronger than I think…I hope.  If I survived living under such primitive conditions with major health issues I can survive anything.

My thanks to long-term friends and online strangers, people I never met, who reached out and listened with compassion. There are still compassionate and empathetic people in this world and that gives me hope for a better future.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin


***Update:  Eric from State Farm came and he was worse than I expected.  He sneaked into my bedrooms then questioned everything I said.  The construction company admitted to breaking the family room window which is still broken.  Eric noted the window was broken on the outside and proceeded to interrogate me.  He questioned the veracity of my statement that Bergeron Construction broke the window.   Finally, I suggested he speak with them as they told me they broke the window.   Given the quality of Bergeron’s work, I would not be surprised if they now have amnesia to this damage.   He questioned whether State Farm was responsible for fixing the dampers, the reason there is no heat on the second floor.   He also questioned their responsibility for the central vacuum.  Btw, all this was settled a year ago now here he was creating more obstacles.


Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

6 thoughts on “My Thoughts: I Decided No Suicide

  1. I’m so glad you decided to live. 🙂 Life throws us some curveballs sometimes (and sometimes even that is an understatement), but I’m glad you decided to fight through those curveballs instead of give up because of them.

  2. I’m glad you are planning to live. Your family needs you we need you!!! As far as your house, I’m not even tell you the hellish experience me and my family in the house we have lived in for over 13 years. I hope all goes well with your house and finally have peace in it.

  3. Angela, this was one of your most powerful posts. I haven’t been on WP as much over the past few days due to work and studying, but I’m so sorry to hear about how depressed you were during that time period. It gives me such joy knowing that you decided to keep on fighting the good fight no matter how hellish things get.

    I know that feeling because I attempted suicide when I was in college. No one tried to convince me to stop as I kept that hidden from others. No one should ever feel that way that they should take their own life. I hate to sound cliche, but there are people who care about you. If us bloggers can be your auxiliary family outside of your real relatives, then I hope we can be there to encourage you. What you do is great on WordPress and I know you have a unique insight that not many others have. The fact that you want real justice in this insane world is something that I respect about you.

  4. Angela, I’m ecstatic with your decision! What you been through you’re truly @astronglady!

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