When something needs to change

Waking up from a nightmare can be unsettling. Waking up and realizing you are living a nightmare is damn scary. That’s where I am and something needs to change.

I don’t belong here without a career, intellectual stimulation, family, unstressed friends, dependent children, and a man. It is unbearably lonely and leads to painful self-isolation. There is no one to give me real hugs or listen or offer support as I attempt to put out the non-stop wildfires that plague my life.

Having lived a nightmare for years, I am traumatized. Simple daily routines such as what to eat or what clothes to wear are becoming stressful challenges. Socializing is more a painful chore than a pleasure. My smiles and pleasant banter allow me to escape most of the ugliness others like me experience.

Growing up, I lived two lives simultaneously. One life interacted with the outside world, my family and school. The other life interacted with my thoughts and the discussions in my head. The two worlds were separate and made me feel as if I was observing the world instead of being part of it.

At over 50, I feel like the child growing up living two lives again every time I step outside my home.  There is the me that the world sees and the real me inside my head trying to keep it together and avoid stress.  Some days, I can’t wait to get back to the peace of my room.

It’s not that people are mean or do unkind things. It’s me being protective of me. It’s stressful to socialize and keep feelings of bitterness and anger in check. I’m partly angry at myself for not waking up sooner.

Strategies To Adjust To Other People worked well, however, I need to add a plan that makes going out less painful.  While it would help to understand why socializing became stressful, my plan is to get out of dodge ASAP, cut my losses and move on.

Pain is a sign that something needs to change in our lives. -unknown 

 

12 thoughts on “When something needs to change

  1. People are not mean, it´s me who has to put a barrier, nightmares…..pretty much what you said. And as you well know people, not all, are mean since it is in the human nature for quite a lot of those crazy humans. Be good to others? I think you said, just paraphrasing, So here I go……… you ready good looking hottie woman!

    I can´t be a mean person, it is just not in my DNA, I can say outrageous things, but that is not here or there, I as a person can treat people good but I don´t expect the reciprical from other people. Being good does not mean being stupid.
    Love ya Angie, I call Brad Pitt, Braddy since we are tight, so you are Angie, although seriously Angela is a beautiful name.

    Stay Frosty gentess.

    1. Hi Charley,
      When did you get to know me so well? Next time I’ll ask you to paraphase. “I can´t be a mean person, it is just not in my DNA, I can say outrageous things, but that is not here or there, I as a person can treat people good, but I don´t expect the reciprocal from other people. Being good does not mean being stupid.” Exactly!

      Btw, call me Ange, Angela or even Hottie but never Angie, doesn’t matter if you’re tight with Braddy. lol

      1. Me and Braddy are tight, don´t get involved in our man to man relationship.
        I do read you once in a while…..that should make you angry by the way, so I know your stance specifically when you talk about blacks, I won´t be a PC guy since most of my Friends real good Friends that is are not White.
        But I´m glad that with my dummy things you had a laugh, what would be the world without laughter? Ever thought about it? Less wars for one and I can actually write a thesis about ¨what would be th world without laughter¨ or laughing at one self.
        Love ya Ange

  2. That two lives line was quite relatable. While I’m not the person to lie to people, I did have to internalize a lot of anger and frustration all while having a smile on my face. Sure, there have been good people in my life and I’ve been doing my best to better my situation with creativity and additional education (auto-didactic and “official” education to improve my career), but I’ve felt isolated more often than not. This was a good post.

    1. Curtis, thank you. To that end, I’m in the process of making changes. Btw, your creativity and energy motivated me not only to consider writing a book, but I am also going to start vlogging soon.

        1. Thanks for the encouragement. Vlogging is almost like filming a story. Right now I am getting comfortable in front of the camera. I do a video taping every day. Next, I’ll edit the footage. If all goes well I’ll be ready next year.

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