A cheerful smile paints my lips while melancholy brews inside. Just returned from one of the best vacations. No new significant disasters to tie me in knots of worry. Why does life seem dull and gloomy? Why am I tired of living?
A wise friend said I lived a “safe” life. She came from a different perspective that I am yet, but her observation made me pause. Can you burn out living life? Or burn out living a safe life?
My day is my own. What I do throughout the day depends on my perception of stress. Through the sub-conscience, my body and mind communicate to eliminate as much stress as possible. I set the schedule and do whatever I want. Read the paper both online and in print. I tweet and piss people off before getting out of bed. Get up when I’m ready. Not much to look forward to in the day. I wear athletic clothes expecting to work-out — whether I do or not affects my mood. It’s my choice to tackle an item on the growing To-Do list. My mantra is to avoid stress at all cost. For my peace of mind, I avoid answering calls or responding to emails or texts. Sometimes, I have no choice–like when I run out of blood pressure medications. Day slips into night, and it’s again time for sleep. I am never quite sure of the day since the day’s natural cycle flow like the air we breathe.
I’m fortunate and should express gratitude. I should thank the universe for its generosity and patience. I don’t because I forget and am too exhausted. The To-Do List I avoid is the key to moving on. It hangs in front of me like a noose threatening to squeeze every breath of life from me. And it will one day. Despite various strategies and tactics, I continue to spin my wheels. The list gets longer and my panic attacks and flashbacks more intense when I think about the list.
Early retirement came as a surprise. However, I was burning out on the job. Now I feel burnt out living life–“safe” life in isolation. Here should be the opportunity to explore my dreams– do what I desire. I am as free as I ever will be. Why am I too exhausted to appreciate this? Why do I bitch so much?
Age is a factor. I’m older and no longer able to get up and go as I once did. I didn’t lay the groundwork when I was younger now I’m too old and too weak to have dreams. What if I lived off the grid–disappeared? I ‘d miss my children. It’s time to suck it up, get out of bed and welcome the day.
What do you do when you need help but don’t know how to ask? Or what to ask? What do you do when you feel a piece of you die each day?
Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.