TBI Thoughts: Feeling Irrelevant

Photo by Jorge Salvador on Unsplash

It’s a feeling that dominates me daily. Do I need to get up? Does it matter? Will anyone notice or care?

I live alone, so one can see why I might think along those lines when I feel isolated. As my feelings of isolation get worse, oddly, I feel insulated from the onslaught of the outside world. I prefer to be alone than to be in the company of others. Today is one such day. I will attempt to sleep the entire day away.

In the company of others, do I feel embarrassed when I forget my train of thought as I often do? Is it embarrassing to ask the same questions because you forget you asked them before? Is it awkward to leave the house with two different sneakers or forget to brush your teeth or put on deodarant? Why is it depressing the next day when I realize I spend the entire day in bed, and there is no reason not to do the same today. Is this pre-death or pre-heaven? IDK

No one to pull me back to life! And I don’t want anyone to try. That is my life, it’s boring, and I accept the inevitable.

#TBI/Traumatic Brain Injury, Age, Racism, Discrimination, and poor choices all collided to create this bleak future of mine.

Will death be the silver lining for me?


Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

32 thoughts on “TBI Thoughts: Feeling Irrelevant

  1. I’m terribly sorry to hear about this, Angela. I wish I knew the right things to say. Like you, I do tend to prefer being alone especially after dealing with several people, but I do hope you can find others who you can talk with. I’m not talking about therapy, I mean people who are real friends to you. Maybe I’m just being too optimistic (an overstatement given my own issues), but I do want you to have a silver lining that doesn’t involve the inevitable let alone the mundane elements of life. You have your grandkids and that story you were writing with one of them. You even told me about that nonfiction project you wanted to start. Those things could positively impact others.

  2. So sorry indeed about your situation. Snd still I believe that only contact to others as individuals can drag oneself out of depression. Possibly children and grandchildren are the most important people in this. Don´t be annoyed with me for believing in this cure.
    Cordial regards

    1. Hi Andreas, I think too many parents think kids were born to spend the best years of their lives tending to the parents.

      In addition, bogging down young adults with negative life realities adds to their anxiety and that adds to parents. That’s my belief.

      I’m not annoyed at diverse opinions, I welcome them. 😊

  3. Now that Lucitta is dead, I know what you are talking about.

    Btw, I hate these feelings to no end. Still they’re there, every moment of the day. All days. So when I saw your “TBI”, I thought, maybe we should give it a chance and change that acronym to “To Be Ignored” 😈

  4. We as Black Afrikans have been through a lot at the clutches of the beasts. One thing is that our Black Afrikan ancestors never gave up and neither should we. I have felt alone and misunderstood and have personal trauma and barely want to go outside the house. We are spiritual beings and we have the Divine Holy Black Ones that we can talk to within and out. This is not religion. Also, learning more about our Black Afrikan history is the most uplifting as it would help you find you Divine self within.

    1. Hi Wealthy, you might be right. I need faith as an anchor to life. Something or someone pulls me back. For what purpose, I don’t know. If there is one, let it be known as I’m not getting younger or smarter.

      1. Take small steps, as it’s amount to a lot. I have started asking the Divine Black Holy Ones what do they want you do do. Then spiritually listen for the answer. It could around who in the wind, winds or even another Black Afrikan Brother or Sister. Our life is not our own.

            1. Re: “I’m surrounded by sadness.” I’m sure you know that I know what that means, as I’m not only sitting in the middle of that, but also harassed by other stinky emotions. Still, I wouldn’t count too much on the help and guidance of these “Divine Black Holy Ones” or any other “higher” entity.

            2. I know your heart aches. Having lost many loved ones, you will be in a better place in time.

              Where do you find hope? When I was about five years old, I understood God was central to hope that things would get better. Even at that age, sadness plagued my soul.

            3. Hope? As far as I’m concerned, hope can take a hike. Why is that? I give you two of my snippets I already shared about hope:

              “Contrary to popular belief, it’s high time for people to understand that hope is debilitating, because hoping for something to happen is waiting for someone else to do something to make your life better. Living without hope gives you a chance to finally do something yourself, dammit!”

              “Hope is scary. It makes you give up responsibility, creativity, and the drive to choose.”

            4. It was quite a discussion. At that time I didn’t have a diagnosis. I wanted to disappear from the world. I was angry at Harvard and Tufts. I was stuck in anger and didn’t know how to get out.

            5. Now I understand the great advice readers offered but, at that time, none of that penetrated. There were people who reached out to help but I couldn’t see it.

              When I feel better I’ll combine the comments, if I remember.

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