FFT: Why do I return to suicide as the best solution?

Food for thought: Why do I return to suicide as a reliable solution?

I know life is a gift. I know miracles happen every day. I know life can be beautiful.

However, I’m stuck on thoughts of death and dying. Yes, an appropriate response for someone suffering. I want the pain and suffering to end. That is not a cry for help or empathy or anything.  

What can I do to end my suffering? I have no words of wisdom.

Having a strong family history of suicide screws my children. Is having a mother like me alive better? Kids don’t want to see their mother slinking down a hole, unable to stop. I feel like failure personified, but I’m not.

They need a support system. It has to start somewhere.

Life is not meant for everyone. Why do I waste mine?

Revised: February 24, 2020, at 7.58 PM Eastern

 

Food for thought: Why do I return to suicide as a reliable solution? 

I know life is a gift. I know miracles happen every day. I know life can be beautiful.

However, I’m still stuck on thoughts of death and dying. Isn’t that an appropriate response for someone who is suffering? I want the pain and suffering to end. This is not a cry for help or empathy or anything. I’m writing so when the day comes maybe my children will forgive me.

What can I do to end my suffering permanently? I have no words of wisdom for my children. They are better off without me. Who wants to watch their mother slinking down a hole until death rescues?

Wouldn’t it be better for their well-being if that came sooner rather than later?

I am a failure personified. I suffer every moment I’m awake. The solution is a humane way to end the relentless pain.

Life is not meant for everyone.  It was not meant for me.

Related article

Preventing Suicide When Caring for Patients With a History of TBI

9 thoughts on “FFT: Why do I return to suicide as the best solution?

  1. Re: “I suffer every moment I’m awake.” I can relate to that. I know how it feels.
    Re: “I am a failure personified.” That’s a pile of bullshit. And you know it.

    Re: “I know life is a gift.” Huh? Why is that? And if so, what has that to do with wanting to kill yourself?

    Reading that crap mentioned in “Preventing Suicide When Caring…….” made me lmfao. You really believe these people care? Why is it so important to them to prevent someone to take his/her own life? It’s none of their business. If a person wants to die, it should be respected, and not qualified like some kind of disorder that has to be straightened out.

    Btw, although I already know what their response will be, I can’t wait to read the comments of your so called friends here 😛

      1. It is always your decision, Ma’am, regardless of your age. However, I will admit there may be exceptions because I am quite capable of influencing people in such a way that they’ll start thinking seriously about committing suicide.😈

        People will judge you and me? Well fuck them.

  2. I know you say that you aren’t asking for help or empathy, but I still feel the need to say something. It’s quite saddening how you feel this way. I don’t know what’s going on with your family, but I could assume they don’t want to see you taking your own life. This is just depressing hearing about you suffering to the point where you want to commit suicide. I’ve felt like a failure multiple times even including this year. I even attempted suicide when I was 19 during my freshman year of college with how bad things were with my academic life and with bullying. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

    Angela, you’ve made great posts, have educated me and others with some of your articles, had amazing conversations with you, and I was thankful that you actually care about justice on this earth. You’ve called me a talented person even when I felt that I wasn’t. Despite us never seeing each other face-to-face, I felt like you were a bigger friend on WordPress than people I know offline.

    I don’t know how much this comment can be effective, but all I can do is encourage you to keep living.

    1. Hi Curtis, thank you for your compassion. It’s hard to describe how I suffer. Nothing is simple at a time when it hurts to think. I’ve destroyed every thing I touched. I’m losing my home this week, I didn’t think it would affect me but it has. It makes me feel like a total failure. I’m tired of clawing up that hole only to slide back down.

      I’m not angry or depressed. I just don’t want to be part of the world anymore. The pain of living is too high while the pleasures are minimal. I understand why people take their lives. I’m not gonna take mine but it’s a struggle and it means dying a little each day.

      1. You’re welcome. I’m terribly sorry to hear that you’re losing your home or with another issues you have or haven’t mentioned. It’s a horrific feeling with how hard it can be to describe suffering. I know about that especially after internalizing so many things for several years.

        I understand. I’ve had those same thoughts at different points of my life.

      2. Re: “The pain of living is too high while the pleasures are minimal.” Now that’s what I’d call an extremely accurate description of what some people call “suffering”.

        And …….. although I know quite well what to do to escape that ordeal, I feel paralyzed, frozen, and do almost nothing outside of my routine.

  3. Hi Angela, you must be in a lot of pain if taking your own life seems to be the best answer for relief. I agree with Roald you are not a failure, life has thrown you some wicked curves. Are you getting social security yet? Do you have any income? The reason I ask you can do so much better in Omaha NE or Council Bluffs IA. Your money will stretch so much further and our medical facilitates are among the best in the country. Sometimes a change in scenery can help so much!

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