How to die?

When I get COVID, I want to die. Never again will I go to a hospital and not receive the support I need to thrive. I am suffering and I don’t want to anymore. If COVId ends my suffering, I thank the virus.

I am looking into physician assisted suicide. It’s legal in two or three states and abroad. If I don’t meet their criteria, I can make a noose. After being conned/duped/whatever you call it out of my life insurance policy by the Hartford, I have healthy organs that I am willing to sell. I want to leave my children something and that’s all I got left.

27 thoughts on “How to die?

  1. Um…….from one sufferer to another: A noose? I would never use such a stupid tool. As for them “assisted suicide” experts? You mean to depend on those brave hearts who will only help you when abiding to the law? Well, they can take a hike too.

    I’m creative enough to find the right tool. A tool that won’t make me even suffer more the time I want to end my suffering.

    Btw, I can’t wait what your “friends” here will say when they watch your video 😈

    1. Not much sleep for me. I don’t have a garage so I can’t get a bottle of wine and fall asleep in the car with the engine on. I guess I could get fentanyl off the street and OD. Tell me the one who knows all, from one sufferer to another, what tool would you use? I am thinking about the future as I continue to fall deeper in a hole with no chance of getting back out.

      1. Trust me, I know a little now of what you’re going through these days, and many days before.

        I have problem with taking my life when the urge to do that is based on suffering. Why is that? Because then it is the suffering that actually makes the decision for me. I simply would be its slave, following its order. I can’t stand even the idea of that. I want to be in control when I end my life, and not driven to commit suicide by something external. So the only time I would do that, is when I’m not suffering, when I’m not unhappy, and when I’m not at a dead end. So if one day I would decide I had enough and want to step out, it would be a happy day, a day filled with good feelings, with satisfaction and peace. And not a day where I am giving up. It’s then when I’m going to contemplate what kind of tool I’ll use. So if you want to know which one it will be, you’ll have to wait till the time I decide to leave.

        1. Pssst! I am at that point where the suffering and me are one. There is wisdom in suffering. I know that I don’t belong here. Maybe I have given up because I sacrificed and fought and what did it get me? Do you know my new PCP did not mention TBI as an medical problem. It’s as if they want to down play the significance. Why? I inquired about a PCA and was told to call my insurance company to see if it was covered and then I might get 2 hours. I called Harvard Pilgrim they couldn’t help me. Isn’t it the PCP job to advocate for their patients? But she didn’t have it listed as a problem so in her mind I must be seeking something I don’t need. So I have to do the leg work! And that is the tip pf the iceberg.

  2. I have said this many time over, Angela: Humanity will cease to exist because of indifference. It overwhelms all the good stuff that’s there too. I never felt to belong to something here, not wanted I. Sometimes I even think I was dropped off on this planet by other aliens who had enough of me😛

      1. Yes, because if the connection was strong it would be unconditional. I’m learning if we press through life many tests we built a foundation from which to grow.

    1. Sounds is OK here, but the picture is gone.

      Btw, Like I said b4, Angela, your brave, and righteous, friends are leaving you hanging in mid air. 😈 Pissing their vanilla panties?😛

      1. How do you mean hanging in the air? I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone except to have control of my blog. I don’t like WordPress fucking with the video.

            1. Recently you told “the world” you’re a very intelligent woman. So when that senior moment has passed, I’m sure you will have an enlightened one, revealing all I was referring to.

            2. I am, but when did I declare it to the world? I like to keep it a secret if you know what I mean. You listen to me more than I listen to myself. Why is that?

              I made the video to remind me I struggle with that dark place called suicide. It’s not impulsive, but something I feel will happen if life continues on this path. I also hope the videos will help me understand TBI. Before I hit my head, I would never consider doing such things. Now I don’t care what people think. And now that I am resigned to living the rest of my life alone, I care even less. I am not looking for pity or advice. I want to express what is going on in my mind to others who might feel the same.

              In the scheme of things, my life doesn’t matter, and I know that especially living in “liberal” MA and being terrorized at Tufts Medical Center. I couldn’t find a lawyer that would help me, and the Board of Medicine could give a shit. Now I suffer from their deliberate negligence and malpractice. If I sound resentful, it is because I am. I had a major head injury with altered mental status and new onset hypertension. I was diagnosed alcoholic intoxication without an alcohol level drawn. I had facial surgery where they severed the nerve to my lower jaw and placed screws in such a manner that made future orthodontic surgery complicated. I am living alone and losing my vision. My income is limited. I have to count the pennies.

              I’ve had to switch doctors and I am still not happy so the search continues. Seems they want to bury the diagnosis. I am my own advocate. Since my doctors are not managing my illness, I will continue to deteriorate. I don’t have anyone else advocating for me. If it gets to the point that I lose my sight, I can’t care for myself. So what are my options? I never want to be a burden to those I love.

            3. The moment you put it on the Internet, it’s not a secret anymore.

              Your options? Only you know what they are. Everything that would come up into my mind about them, would be extremely colored by how I look at the world, which in this case would be what I already wrote about it, namely: I want to be in control when it comes to what I want to do with my life, and not controlled by the shit I am forced to live in now. Not easy, but that is who I am. But I feel what you’re going through, I guess. Currently I’m linked to a young woman from Africa who’s is blogging about this too, and feels more or less the same as you about continuing with her life or not.

              You really thought I could come up with stupid remarks like “……..what about your kids?”

            4. There was a time you would, maybe to piss me off, maybe because you didn’t understand. I’m happy you you found someone. It was painful to watch you grieve. 😊

  3. To piss you off? Yes, sure, that too. But I’d call it challenging you. And keep in mind, I only challenge people that I think can take it. The rest? Oh, these vanillas I send back to their mommy while on their way to her are crying, cussing, and pissing their panties. Yes, I love doing that too. And then their replies (if they dare) are really golden for someone who came from The Other People 😛 Another reason for me to stay alive 😈

    1. In my old age, I’ve become humble. Fighting stresses me. I don’t even like to argue. This thing call life has lost meaning. If I could get my enthusiasm back. I don’t even like to see people throughout my day. Talking to them is draining. How do I spend my day? Honestly, I don’t know.

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