Why can’t I sleep?
It is past my bedtime, but I can’t sleep and nothing good on Amazon Prime, Netflix, or Sling.
I can’t sleep. Might have taken my meds twice tonight and still not a yawn.
I think about my children. I was a lousy mother. Poor Gary, being the oldest, got the brunt of my frustration. I was such a fraud, pretending to be happy when I was so stressed. A single parent with two active boys, a full-time working physician, and no support. Was the stress from being the only Black female head of household in a white community? Was I trying to keep up with everyone else who had a two-parent home and tons of extended family help? It wasn’t easy making friends.
I was managing a big house to provide stability. Then I thought it was for my children, but it was also because I had nowhere else to go. At least that was what I believed. How foolish was I then!
Still wide awake! A bruise on my right thigh. How did it get there? Did I injure myself? Don’t recall. Is that why I didn’t run this morning?
Running has become a lifeline. It gives me something that I like to do each morning. I also sleep better. My right eye feels funny. I am aware of it.
I know Im not alone in doing this, but did I fuck up my life? What was my purpose? How did I get lost?
Guess I did have a lot on my mind. Thanks to friends, my house was sold. Glad to be rid of it, but it is bittersweet.
I hope the isolation isn’t affecting my sons, who live alone. I love them.
THUD! CRASH! BANG! It’s that time of night. What the hell are my neighbors above doing around this time of night? It sounds like someone smashing their way through the ceiling every night. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep?
Thank God for music. It calms the beast. I feel better though still not sleepy. Well, maybe a little tired. Thank God for another day!
Slept for 4-5 hours, feel somewhat rested.