I am angry at myself for being a survivor. If I weren’t, I’d be long dead and at peace. I am alive today, not because of therapy or anything having to do with healthcare. If the system had its way, I would be strung out on heavy-duty antipsychotics and probably have had several electroconvulsive treatments and be at least brain dead.
My feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and not wanting to be a burden do not stem from mental illness or alcohol/drug addiction that accounts for over 90% of suicide deaths. It falls in the 5-10% category related to medication and the underlying physical medical problems.
Before I understood what was causing recurrent episodes of self-sabotaging suicidal ideations and innuendos, I reached out to the family. I needed their help to ask me specific questions when I got in that frame of mind. Instead, my reaching out evoked hostility. They didn’t listen to understand. They smeared me with their opinions. I felt attacked when I only wanted to include them. It was a mistake that I will never make again.
One family member went as far as to imply I cried wolf and warned me to stop it or have no family. They felt I should pull myself out of it. When a family thinks like that, it’s best to maintain a distance. Their ignorance could wipe away my survival skills.
It’s crushing to know I don’t have family support, but I do have friends who can see the change and understand.
After living with such episodes since 2012, I realized a lack of restful sleep combined with stress and medications, i.e., Ritalin, triggered suicidal ideations. The latter I take to get out of bed. Otherwise, I forget to get out of bed, and nothing gets accomplished. Without it, I drag, trying to think through brain fog. On the other hand, it causes anxiety that leads to suicidal thoughts, and elevates blood pressure. It’s a catch 22 for sure.
I took it last week. I did not take any on the weekend or today, but it felt like I had.
Yesterday, after posting, I slept the day away to rest my mind. I was overfatigued. Today, I feel better though nothing has changed.
Life keeps throwing me breadcrumbs. I used to stack them up. Now, I walk past them. Could there be opportunities hidden in those bread crumbs?