Reflections: Why Is Dating So Hard?

The clock is ticking. Why is dating so hard? Is there anyone out there for me? Or did I burn through them all? As I consider another round of dating, it’s time to do some self-reflection.

Recently, I met a wonderful man. The moment we decided to go exclusive was the moment I started noticing the cultural differences. A disagreement early on is my test as to whether the relationship has a future. He failed.

I usually date white men because they ask me out in appealing ways. However, no matter how great the initial connection, it never lasts. They interpret who I am based on their journey and not mine. They are attracted to the image of who they think I am, not me. When the real me comes out, they can’t take it. They are afraid. I believe they are scared or threatened by the stereotype. Most don’t want to understand or even hear about my journey but they want me to listen with fascination to theirs and smile from ear to ear as they pound their chest.

I admire women who can bury their personalities to get a man or tolerate unending bravado. That’s not an easy thing to do and something I’ve never mastered.

Now that I am in Texas there are eligible Black men. They are tall, dark, and handsome. However, I don’t vibe with them—my sense of humor and their sense of humor clash like nails going down a chalkboard. We don’t understand each other. It’s sad because I want to be with a man who can understand my journey. In my mind, only a Black man can do that.

It feels like I am not from this world when I can’t connect. Maybe it’s time I embrace there is no right guy for me and go with the flow. Tick Tock. I am not getting younger.


Author: Angela Grant

Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

24 thoughts on “Reflections: Why Is Dating So Hard?

  1. My answer to your question is the same as I already gave you in August of this year.

    Re: “I admire women who can bury their personalities……..” I certainly don’t!

    Note 1: As I wrote more than once on my FB page, twinflames never get into trouble if they disagree. On the contrary, they celebrate contradictions and differences of opinion. It only makes their bond better.

    Note 2: What about dating women?

          1. Up till now I haven’t met a new woman who dared to come closer to me.

            Btw, yesterday I shared a story about a special and exceptional love between 2 women on my FB-page. Go there, and read it. And maybe also the poem (mentioned in that story) that was written by one of them and posted by me in a previous entry. Just scroll down a tiny litle bit to find that one.

            1. It’s a touching music video. Thanks for sharing.

              “a new woman who dared to come closer to me.” Don’t you want that intimacy again? It will never be the same. It will be special in a different way.

            2. Of course I want that. Don’t you remember the “ad” I put out about that?

              Btw, you liked the video, but what’s your take on the story I shared? The woman in that story is a great example of what I’m looking for right now.

            3. What’s stopping you from going out there and getting her? You know what you want. That’s half the battle. I thought I knew what I wanted but idk anymore.

            4. Half the battle? Really? A non-vanilla Lady? Let me put this metaphorically. It’s like trying to find drinking water in an endless desert where it hasn’t rained for thousands of years.

            5. It’s hard to find the love you wrote about or the one you had with your wife. However, if you’re open you can find a different kind of love that is just as pure, tender and soft like a newborn kitten.

  2. The answer is right there in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph you wrote: He failed. (He didn’t, because he didn’t know he was taking a test; he trusted you.) When 80% of women are competing for less than 10% of the men, 70% will not end up in a happy marriage. Most divorces are initiated by women, even if she cheated on him, not the other way around.

    Shorten the list of requirements, stop always being on the look out for something better and be ready to solve problems, then things may get easier, but never easy. Good luck.

    1. Hi Onno. Great points! You’re probably right. I have a knack of screwing things up too. The test was a subconscious act. We test each other whether we are aware or not. He failed because he didn’t communicate, yet he judged me. I don’t have a list of requirements. Im too old for that. I tend to go with my gut. Is it wrong to want a man who accepts me without judgements?

      Most men are not interested in working on a relationship when the odds are in their favor of finding another quite easily.

      Maybe more and more women are turning to each other because there aren’t many eligible men around.

      1. It’s not as much you as it is your environment that imposes unrealistic expectations and standards on you.

        It’s because your entire life you have been told to be a go-getter, a career woman, equal to men. Then you find out that competing in that world sucks big time. The men you say you want are no longer available because they choose to not have their balls broken again. They spent their entire lives being nice to women that treated them like shit and dropped them like a hot potato as soon as Chad with the Ferrari showed up at the party.
        They’ll not get fooled again…

        Not saying the situation is hopeless, but next time you find a nice guy you want to spend your time with, keep in mind that there is a good chance that his past may well include what I described here.

        Trust is hard to gain but easily lost.

        1. Onno, thank you for your wisdom. I needed to hear what you said. Next time, I will be more thoughtful of his experiences, and I hope he’ll be considerate of mine. It is hard work to build trust, and it is not a linear process. It ebbs and flows and, at times, seems lost. It takes time. Even when you think there is trust, enough time has not passed to build a foundation. Some men think you should automatically trust them and when you don’t they become offended.

          Btw, how does a computer genius know so much about relationships?

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