A Post To The Almighty: Release Me

It’s time. I have existed long enough. I raised two children in a hostile environment as a single parent. I hope I instilled in them the desire to be sensible.

Life is not for everyone. As children, we don’t choose our families. There is nothing wrong with mine. My mother is a strong woman who survived untold hardships. My brothers and sister are hardworking people. I was too, but now I can’t continue. I see the future, and it’s increasingly painful for me.

Remind me why living is so important when I never lived, only existed. I am torn between what I desire and my obligation to others. At 63 years old, should I not be free to give up this life for another? I love my children and grandchildren but don’t want them to sacrifice their happiness for me.

I live in emotional pain/ turmoil; call it what you may. I am not happy. At the beginning of the year, I promised I did not want to see another. The year is about to end, and I have not changed my mind.

I see death as another realm where we exist as pure, connected energy. Why would I fear that even if I am wrong? I am willing to exist in another form. It can’t be worse than my life now.

This post is not a cry for help but an attempt to reflect and understand.

Author

  • Angela Grant

    Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

18 thoughts on “A Post To The Almighty: Release Me

    1. Is it the valley of my shadows? Or a world we know nothing about. I exist in the valley on my shadows. There is another world for me and it maybe star dust. Nothing wrong with that.

  1. I subscribe to your website and found this post in my inbox this evening, and at the same time as I was searching for the Buddhist principle of impermanence. We appear to follow the same issues of systemic injustice, something that I address frequently on my blog — including my most-recent post, actually. A gentle bit of synchronicity perhaps. I now notice that we both have written about Rikers

  2. I do understand. Now more than ever, and thought about leaving too. But then I also thought: “Why the fuck would I give in to a world I don’t feel to belong to, why would I worry and feel lost because the assholes living on this planet don’t give a rat’s ass about all the shit they cause, and why the fuck would I allow them to make me think to commit suicide? To hell with all that.”

    Re: “It can’t be worse than my life now.” You don’t know that. Maybe it will.

    Re: “A Post To The Almighty: Release Me”. He won’t! He’s like the creatures he allegedly created. Indifferent to the core of his being. Well, if he exists at all. So if you still want to do it, you have to do it all by yourself, baby.

    Now sit down and reflect some more. When done, go outside and watch a hummingbird build its nest. Or find another animal busy with something in your current winter wonderland.

  3. We could have it all wrong about suicide as we did about many other things. There is destiny, and some people can’t avoid it. And maybe that is the way it should be. Everyone has to learn to live with pain, but psychache is a different pain. Is it fair to put more guilt on a person who is already feeling hopeless and helpless and a burden? Why not release them from such worries? By the way, who is to say this is life and not hell? For many of us, it feels like hell. I have come 180 degrees to this point. If you are in such pain that you want to take your life, that should be a protected right.

    Family, and friends, they’ll be messed up a bit when they had the opportunity. They choose to ignore them because there were more important things in their lives. It’s not their fault and don’t blame the person who reached out and got no help and decided to enter another world.

    It is what it is.

    1. I thought you knew my position on wanting to give up life, that I don’t follow traditional views on suicide (what a word) at all, and also my story about a friend of mine who ended it because he felt he had done everything he wanted to do and thus there was nothing left for him to do. So he didn’t stop because he couldn’t handle life anymore, but just the opposite. He left this world as a happy man.

      So to make it clear for you again: I share your view on life and dying. Those who want to force their own vanilla ideas on you (and me) and worse, making you (and me) feel guilty, should shut up and/or send to hell. They are not talking to you (and me), but only to themselves.

      You are the owner of your life, and can do with it whatever you want, whether that would be the best thing to do or not.

      Finally I’d like to get the following across to you:

      I have noticed over the years that the people who came to me with the desire to end their life, were driven mainly by despair, helplessness, and pain. Then I sat with them in their darkness for a while, talking and in silence. I was also there with two of them when they were actually going to do it. In the end they didn’t. One of them died of natural causes many years later, while the other one now lives a very happy life.

      So I can say that in all situations in which I have personally been involved, despair, helplessness, and pain have not proved to be the right advisers.

  4. Never hate your life or your circumstances… Everyone thinks the same, dejected and depressed… but look at me . .. I am happy and would love to host you here in Gurgaon India for an unpaid holiday of some weeks. Are you taking it?

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