It’s time. I have existed long enough. I raised two children in a hostile environment as a single parent. I hope I instilled in them the desire to be sensible.
Life is not for everyone. As children, we don’t choose our families. There is nothing wrong with mine. My mother is a strong woman who survived untold hardships. My brothers and sister are hardworking people. I was too, but now I can’t continue. I see the future, and it’s increasingly painful for me.
Remind me why living is so important when I never lived, only existed. I am torn between what I desire and my obligation to others. At 63 years old, should I not be free to give up this life for another? I love my children and grandchildren but don’t want them to sacrifice their happiness for me.
I live in emotional pain/ turmoil; call it what you may. I am not happy. At the beginning of the year, I promised I did not want to see another. The year is about to end, and I have not changed my mind.
I see death as another realm where we exist as pure, connected energy. Why would I fear that even if I am wrong? I am willing to exist in another form. It can’t be worse than my life now.
This post is not a cry for help but an attempt to reflect and understand.