Reflections: Being Broke Sucks

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Being broke sucks! These days it seems everyone has money except me. That was not the way it was supposed to be. I never imagined myself in this predicament when I was younger, but here I am.

I am a doctor trained at some of the best schools in the world, yet I am broke and can’t find a way to make money. This is not a pity post but one trying to figure out what the hell happened. It goes back to April 2012 and the head injury. Since then, I’ve been turning around in circles. I can’t seem to find my way. I think I see the light, but it’s just a shiny object leading to a dead end. I am trapped in a deteriorating mind and body, surrounded by endless darkness that leads to self-sabotage. There does not seem to be a way out.

I am to the point of having to do my nails and hair to save. That sounds trivial to many, but to me, it’s well-being. I will have to let go of the few luxuries that gave me joy, which is frightening. I have fallen so far already. To think I will fall further is depressing. Worst of all, I feel helpless and powerless to do anything. I grew up poor, and it looks like I’ll die destitute.

Though unsalvageable, I will try never to give up, not because of me but because of my children and grandchildren. I want them to remember a woman who never gave up, even when there was no hope.

 

Author

  • Angela Grant

    Angela Grant is a medical doctor. For 22 years, she practiced emergency medicine and internal medicine. She studied for one year at Harvard T. H Chan School Of Public Health. She writes about culture, race, and health.

10 thoughts on “Reflections: Being Broke Sucks

  1. Angela, your post touches me, and I’d like to “touch” you in the only way that is available to me, to wit:

    About six years ago (then 73 yo) and evermore deteriorating physically with a congenitally derived spinal condition, my daughters referred me to the traditional Japanese massage therapy “shiatsu.” It helped me with some muscle, joint, and other kinks (the crippled spine is my “cross to bear” until the end), but two years ago my (born-in-Japan) therapist asked me to allow her to transition to what she called “facial reflexology/FR”), and the result was as magic; I noticed the transformation at perhaps session four. My clarity of mind (mentation) cleared remarkably; since, I’ve been writing in our English language — especially anent my continuing passion for the hapless Palestinian people kneed-on-neck by the Zionists — better than ever before in my lifetime; my mood is uplifted (I have what the Japanese term “yaruki” — the “mind”-cum-will to “just do it”); and I am “making do” within my own strictures of “living from month-to-month via one modest retirement [federal civil service…I do not receive Social Security benefits except for Medicare!] annuity” — zero savings, investments — that are now stress-reduced, comfortable, and manageable for me (no frills at all…).

    FR is, I’ve come to know, equally termed “acupressure” — similar to acupuncture, but no needles. Here is a website that might lead you to other resource(s) and perhaps a blessing equal to mine: https://www.acupressurewellness.com/acupressure-charts/face-acupressure-chart/ . If you can find a competent therapist and can squeeze (I’d say budget for/commit to 10 sessions, one per week…) the cost per session from your operating funds, go for it, and experience, I pray, the benefit I experienced.

    (My therapist works on me literally from “head to toe” for an hour each session — at my home, BTW; she comes to me! She works with equal diligence and time on my head and my feet. I do admit that I occasionally long for a bit of shiatsu and its direct “physical” deep muscle/joint et al methodology, but FR is now my solace, these now two years later and continuing. I do “care” for you, Angela, and wish you best success within this (probably too lengthy!) encouragement directed at you and any use you might make of it.)

    [I know you will: please explain fully to your therapist, if that happens, about your above-noted “head injury” — that I note with due concern was 10 years ago; if there is a “chronic” aspect to all of it, that would obviously not be good….]

    Cheers and blessings — aloha — from Hawaii!

    1. Hi Bob.
      I am afraid the head injury is chronic. It’s called TBI (traumatic brain injury). You can’t see it and the changes are subtle but devastating and life-altering. I don’t have anyone to talk with about it. No one understands or can appreciate the difference. I am afraid to see a therapist because they’ll want to dope me up with medications, which started the problem. I was on drugs that caused a syncopal episode that led to a head injury with facial fractures requiring surgery.

      Facial reflexology/FR sounds like something that could relax me. I’ll look into it. Thank you for caring.

  2. Since August 2019 I have been bombarded with more or less the same feelings as yours. Except of course for the money issues☺️

    Oh, and about giving up? I thought about it and then gave that up. Why? Because Shekhinah (as well as Asherah and Evalora) told me that I am one of the few who is immortal.

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